As I sit (hopefully) on the verge of ushering another little soul into the world, I can't help but think of the journey that has gotten me here.
Rob and I decided to start trying for children in the summer of 1995. I always had irregular cycles and knew that it might be a challenge, but I figured a little medicine and we'd be on our way. It took 18 months to get pregnant. Those times were not fun, to say the least. I learned all about charting and timing and other such mechanincs of babymaking. Every month, we upped the dose of hormones and every month was a failure. I can remember going in my car and screaming my head off, partly out of frustration and partly because of what the hormones were doing to me. I can also remember sitting on the floor of my shower bawling with the realization that this month was once again a failure. Finally, however, in Jan. 1997, I was pregnant. Such a thrill!! The pregnancy, however, was not the smoothest. Starting with the fact that I was having triplets. What would I ever do with three babies?? There was also the threatened miscarriage at 11 weeks, that had me bleeding off and on until 20 weeks, the amnios that left me leaking fluid for two weeks, a confirmed birth defect in one baby, bedrest, contractions, constant monitoring, Magnesium Sulfate to stop labor, all culminating in giving birth 8 weeks early to little pumpkins who spent time in the NICU (which is a horror all in it's own). The second I saw my babies, I knew I would do it again just to have them. I knew I would give my life for theirs in an instant. However, as I was discharged from the hospital without them, I couldn't help but feel jipped. This was not what I had pictured all of those months as I was trying to get pregnant.
Fast forward two years and two months and completely out of the blue, I find myself pregnant again. No drugs, no shots, just the old fashioned way. It was a bit overwhelming, frankly, at the time, given that the triplets were two and were a bit, um, well, two, and given the fact that our marriage was not in the best place at all. We had gone to a Family Life marriage weekend as truly a last ditch effort to save our marriage, and came home with a little souvenier. This pregnancy was awesome. Three of my close friends were also pregnant and due in July, 2000. Everything was so smooth and in the end, I had a wonderful 8 pound boy, delieverd spontaneously, with immediate bonding. It was perfect. I felt so blessed to be able to have experienced childbirth the way it "should" be and it wasn't long before I found myself wanting another baby.
People always ask me if this baby was planned and I find that a difficult question to answer. Rob had always been adamanatly opposed to another child, and, frankly, my cycles had gotten very wacky in my old age. I had gone all through 2004 and 2005 without a cycle on my own. FOr some reason, in 2006, things started to come back to some sort of normal, but I could never predict when I might ovulate. I could be 2 months, it could be 4. In September, I had a chemical pregnancy (positive pregnancy test, followed by a late period the day after), which I found to be devestating. Rob said we could try again, and I took him up on the offer. Of course, I had no idea if I would ovulate again. Imagine my surprise when in mid-October, I felt I was ovulating (all of that info from my infertle days paying off), and by Halloween I knew I was pregnant. I am now one of those who got pregnant on the first try!
All of this to say, even though I complain about how miserable I am, I know I am blessed. I think of women who, today even, are screaming in their cars or crying on the floor of their showers wishing to be in the place that I am in today. I feel very grateful that God has redeemed what I felt was taken from me in my first pregnancy/delivery experience. I know that I am blessed. God could have chosen any way to bring humans into the world, and for some reason, He chose to allow women the privelage of joining Him in creation. I am blessed.
Hopefully, my next post will be a birth announcement!!