Tuesday, September 12, 2006

The Zany Adventures of Kosmo Kramer

I shouldv'e known when we named our cat after this guy 11 years ago, he'd be nothing but trouble. You see, we've been trying to get rid of our cat for many weeks now. Why? Because he no longer uses his litter box. We've tried adopting him out to people...no luck. Here's a snapshot of some of the things we have tried recently to get rid of him.

Trip to Humane Society:
Me: "Hi. Um, can you please take my cat?"
Nasty-PETA-Lesbian-Lady: "Why, what's wrong with him?"
Me: "Well, he pees and poops all over the place."
NPLL: "Have you tried changing the litter?"
Me (Only in my head) Response #1: "Well, I did change it that one time when we moved to our house 6 years ago." Response #2: "What is this 'litter' you speak of?"
Me: "Um, yeah...I've changed the litter."
NPLL: "Well, we are are full and can't take any more cats. We have over 200 cats" yada, yada, yada
Me: "Can I trade?"
NPLL: "No."

Ok. Let's try the vet.

Me: "Hi. WE totally hate, er, I mean love our cat. BUt, he's peeing and pooping all over the place. Is there anything we can do for him?"
Dr.: "Well, maybe he has an infection, we could give him some antibiotics."
Me: "Yeah. Can't we just, say, put him to sleep?"
Dr. :" Well, I can't ethically do that." Yada, yada, yada.
Bottom Line: My cat comes home with some antibiotics and antidepressants. If those don't work in 4-6 weeks, we can talk about putting him down. And, yes, I did say my cat is on antidepressants.

Here are things still left to try:

1) Go to an out of town vet, walk in and say, "Hi, I'm Sally Jones and this is Tiger for a 11:00 appointment." The receptionist will say she doesn't have us listed for an appointment. I'll say, "I'll go out to the car and get the card." Leaving Kosmo in the waiting room, I'll "go out to get the card" and take off!

2) Drop Kosmo off at a very exclusive resort AKA "Butkas Cat Care Business". At BCCB, cats are encourged to return to the feral roots. They are dropped of in a remote section of a large farm and then allowed to fend for themselves.

3) Keep Kosmo outside all of the time until one of the neighbors complain that I am mistreating my cat. I think then the humane society will come and get it. Sure, it might mean a night or two in jail for Rob and/or I, but really, it's a small price to pay.

4) Have the children start peeing and pooping all over the place as an object lesson to show Kosmo just how ridiculous he is being.



Butkas Cat Care Resort said...

I know of another exclusive program where the cat (feline explorer) is placed in a space capsule and rocketed to a planet chosen by NASA scientists as possibly supporting life...But, whith Cosmo's record he would take over the planet come back and invade the earth with his litter box hating offspring.

noblekleigh said...

I'm just surprised that you had an in depth conversation with the woman who worked at the humane society about her bathing habits, her affiliation to a national organization supporting ETHICAL treatments of animals, and her sexual orientation...People usually don't divulge that type of information to absolute strangers.

At least your pet doesnt have a microchip. If I let my floor-peeing dog "run away" I'm going to have Cape Girardeau PD at my door with within 24 hours. And right when the dog walks in the front door he will pee all over the hard wood floor - hey at least it's easy clean up :)

AmyinMotown said...

"Can I trade?"

Giggling my idiot head off!!!